i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Also, beer. Big fan.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
