Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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