I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize