please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
