I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
