Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
