i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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