what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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