I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
