It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
