It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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