you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize