your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
