Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
