his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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