Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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