I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
