I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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