i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
