Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
