I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
