I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
