mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
