I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
