I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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