I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
