I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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