My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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