This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
