my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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