I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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