I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
