My balls are so social today.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize