Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
