You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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