i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
