she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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