She's JV to your varsity
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Randomize
