I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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