I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
