my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize