the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
