I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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