: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize