Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
