He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
