Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
