tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
