Only a mothe r could love this liver
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize