i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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