I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
