I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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