nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
