I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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