her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
