I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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